Super Mario Crack
by Ozone1
Summary: Stupidity at its finest.
1. Chapter 1

Princess Peach skipped to her writing desk like a fairy godfather, furious that Mario kept ignoring her letters. She put a welding mask over her face and laid a stone tablet in front of her. She grabbed a military grade torch and started burning a message through the rock.

"deer melioo u litl poop ceep ign uring mi tektd i dont liek u viry mucc com eet cayk"

* * *

"Perfect!" she thought. She stood up and spotted Mario snorting dandelions outside. She threw the tablet out the window, and started screaming the lyrics to _Last Christmas._

"You-a hurt Mario's head," he complained as he drew a rocket launcher and aimed at the window.

* * *

"Crap. wHeRe Do YoU gEt ThOsE tHiNgS?!"

"Wario dumps them on my lawn ya noob."

He fired some missiles before texting Daisy.

"Can't miss this hot new date," he said.

"yer WUT?!"

* * *

There was a loud explosion when the missiles struck. Mario laughed and entered his car. "So long, fruit woman!" he shouted as he drove away.

"I'll get that hedgehog!" she screamed. "If Mario doesn't want me, maybe Beezer will!" she thought. She reached for her Samsung Galaxy 9 X Ultra Deluxe©®™, and called Bowser.

* * *

"Yeeeeesssss?" he answered.

"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND MARRY ME!11!" she screamed into the speaker.

"Okee dokee…"

* * *

Bowser's car slammed into the castle door. He jumped out with an enormous ring. "wHeRe ArE yOu WoMaN?!"

"No need to shout, no need to yell," she said in Michael Rosen's voice as she opened the door, shoving the car aside.

"wuw u stoeng :D" he admired. "hodk mi beeer."

He strolled over to the grass and plucked a grass blade.

"anret i the stongist giy evtr?!"

"No me."

* * *

She took the ring from Bowser and swallowed it.

" _Thanks for the generous DoNaTiOn…"_

"wuduhecc"

"I'm better than you, Beerzer."

"awwww I liek tat nem!¡!"

"Good. Now kiss me."

Bowser accidentally ate Peach in the process.

"woopy doo doo hay i wunder wutd on kartuun nitwurk"

* * *

"Great," Peach groaned. "Now I'm stuck inside Beezer's gizzard. Mario save me¡"

"Let'sa gooooOoOoo"

"Mario?"

"You wanted me to-a save you, right?"

"It's kind of something I say on autopilot."

"Crap."

"I hope you forget about your date…"

"Oh-a!" Mario exclaimed. "Thanks for-a reminding me!"

"Wait, what?!"

Mario leaped up and out of Bowser's mouth and rushed away.

"Guess I'll be here awhile…" Peach sighed.

* * *

"Petch news! PETCH NEWS! _COME AND GET IT! TURTLE SWALLOWS PRINCESS!"_

"There's a town crier in here?!" Peach asked the toad.

"What? You act surprised."

"In Beezer's stomach?"

"Sounds fine to me. _NOW GIMME YOUR MUNNIES!¡!"_

" _What if I have no munnies?"_

"o."

* * *

Peach grabbed a werewolf from her back pocket and fed it a Hot Pocket. "Go eat Beezer."

"No u," it replied.

"No Wii U," she countered.

"Oh fine. I'll eat Beezer," it said. It leaped for the toad and ate him in one gulp.

"Why did you just…?" Princess Peach gasped.

"You wanted me to eat Beezer," the werewolf responded. "That was the toad's name."

"Oh. Well, could you eat the _other_ Beezer?"

"No… u…"

"That gets annoying."

"No u…"

* * *

Mario pulled his car up Daisy's driveway by a rope. "COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!11!1" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Why?" she asked. "I'm watching _**THE GREATEST GEI LOOEEGY MOMENTS 2018,**_ and don't feel like joining you."

"I have a rocket launcher, though."

"oKAY I'M COMING!111!1!11 fOR KOOPA'S SAKE1111111!"

"Yayayayayayyayayayayayaya"

"Please don't spam. Girls don't like that."

"No u."

Daisy picked up Mario's car and ran down the street.

"You-a impress Mario!"

"You want me to impress you? Watch THIS!"

She started screaming at the top of her lungs.

"My-a ears hurt!" Mario complained as he jumped from the car. "I'm-a go find another date…"

" _ **WAIT! I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN YOU MY TRUE FORM!"**_

But Mario was long gone.

* * *

"Hwos everryting gowign downm thetre pecheers?!" Bowser asked.

"Swell, just swell. ._."

"awwsumeirs"

"Could you maybe cough me up or something?"

"Idk leklt mi eet somefign reely growss."

"Uuuuuh, I'm sure there are easier solution- Gah! Why is it raining spiders?"

"tis int growss enuff."

"Nonono, it is! It is!"

"nut fer mee!"

Slime joins the spider flood.

"I'm not even going to ask…"

"Itz ur munms cuuking!"

"No."

"Oh hey, these spiders aren't half bad," the werewolf remarked.

"What."

"Owk mee stumik dont fewl gud"

"Freedom?" Peach hoped.

"wuuuuuuuuuu"

Bowser coughed up the two as well as several thousand others.

"arint i da bist?"

"No me."

* * *

"Oh hey Luigi!" Mario intruded. "Want to play Pocket Munsters?"

"Pocket what?"

"Pocket Munsters! You know, the game where you play as the Munsters inside some hobo's pocket?"

"Never heard of it."

"Figures. You never do anything, anyway."

"Mario?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is Count Bleck hauling a giant cart full of Cheetos?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Mama mia!" Mario exclaimed. "This is-a very illegal!"

"Bleh heh hehgjdjfhfjgj choked Count Bleck."

"This is a crime against humanity!" Luigi said as he began to panic.

"What's the matter? I'm just having a little fun sneered Count Bleck."

Mario was very grim. "Queen Petch the 48th banned Cheetos from the Mushroom Kingdom 700 years ago. You may-

"Did someone say Cheetos?!"

"Oh, uh, no stuttered Count Bleck! He said-"

"I LOVE Cheetos!"

"But it's a crime against humanity!" sobbed Luigi; now visibly shaking.

"I love Cheetos so much I'm going to bring them with me on my upcoming date with Beezer"

Mario was jealous. "Upcoming… date?"

"YEET!"

"I had better get going said Count Bleck."

"Not so fast!" shouted Peach. "Just because I love them doesn't mean they're legal. You have to serve a sentence in my personal dungeon."

"No."

Count Bleck vanished.

"Okay. Anyway, I'll see you boys later. Got to present some illegal stuff to my man," Peach said as she hauled the Cheetos away.

Mario turned to look at Luigi who, at this point, was passed out.

"ha fat"

* * *

Peach haulfed the cart of Cheetos through Toad Town; horrifying the onlookers. Bowser met Peach in the street.

"yay u caem bak 2 me :D"

"Indeed, and I've brought something you'll like," she said as she handed him a Cheeto."

"4 me?!"

"Don't eat it!" the crowd screamed.

"Nom."

"Goshdarnit."

"moar"

"No."

"ok"

"Kiss me."

"ok"

mu

"wow"

"Wow."

"i liek u"

"Will you marry me?"

"ok"

mu

"weer meryd"

"I'm gonna tell Mario. I want to get him nice and mad. :D"

* * *

"Hey, Mario."

"Bruh."

"I got married."

"Bruh."

"Aren't you all jelly?"

"Bruh."

"Bruh."

"Bruh."

"I found you a date."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. Rainbow Dash."

"Bruh."

"Anyway, Beezer's now the king of the Mushroom Kingdom."

"This is an Avenger's level threat!"


End file.
